Life and It's No-Guarantee Policy

It’s almost that time.  The time to really start a new chapter in my life.  

Granted I have already moved out of my parent’s house, got a second job and pay all my own bills.  But starting school…. Now that’s what’s really going to get me to my life goals.  

Yet, I have a sunken feeling of uncertainty.  Am I ready for this next chapter?  What if I fail and am then just back where I started…working dead end jobs for minimum wage.  What if I get there and realize my love for social work has diminished and with it so have my goals?  What if I just never get anywhere?  

Trying to balance my finances at the moment, I realize that no matter how many hours I work a week, I am never going to be able to do everything I want.  How am I supposed to pay for rent, a new car and a trip to Boston all within the next few months?  My checks never seem to resemble the amount of work I feel I put in.  

How can I go weeks without a day off yet still be barely scrapping by?  

How am I ever supposed to be able to sit down and relax when I know I could and should be working to save up for the expensive schooling I am about to put myself through?

So many thoughts race through my head without a single thing to comfort me.  Maybe I will get through graduate school without too much stress.  Maybe I will be able to find a cheap car.  Maybe I will be able to find a great job that I love.  But there are too many maybes in the world.  I want a guarantee.  And I don’t seem to have any of those right now.  

Woops. Disappeared for awhile there.

Well hey there fellow bloggers,
I quite apologize for my long absence from this blog.  I moved out of my parent's house (FINALLY) and into my very own apartment....and by my very own I mean an apartment where I live with 2 other people, 2 dogs and hopefully coming soon, A BIRD!

Moral of the story, a month after this move we still haven't set up the internet.  In some ways this is awesome.  It's great to not "waste" as much time on the internet looking at things that I don't necessarily give a damn about.  Yet in other ways, I have seriously, seriously neglected this blog.

Perhaps with this new move and starting grad school soon I will have more to ramble about....
Or should I say more things with a purpose.

Other than the move, life is about the same.  I work 2 minimum wage jobs just about every day of the week. Drink and hang out with friends in the littlest free time I have.  And still live a decently awesome life.

But for now I must say Adieu.  There's a bottle of Reisling with my name on it and I can't neglect my wine :)

BANKS: B is for BOGUS

The beginning of banks began
no doubt
with one cunning man and the money of a trusting idiot.


I'm not quite sure how one was convinced to put his earnings into the hands of some rando promising to take good care of it.
Had it been me there at the beginning of the bank, I would have said, "No thank you.  That is a very, very silly idea." and things would be very different now-a-days.


In the current day, we find it a necessity to have a bank.  To continually write checks, swipe our cards and pay overwhelming fees to banks that are made up of our very own money.  Even as I try to rid myself of having a bank, I find it nearly impossible. 


This makes me quite upset.


If I could talk to that first idiot that entrusted his savings to a selfish and manipulative bank, I would have much to say.  His trusting nature has made our current idiotic behavior seem completely normal. 


All I can really say is, F that.

The Doormat Friend

I know my last post and multiple posts have been about friendship.  But hey, it's something quite important I'd say. So why not.

     I have come to a very startling realization in the past couple of days.  I have always known that I am often someone to be pushed around and walked on.  The doormat friend seems to be an appropriate title.  It is not something that I am proud of, but I often laughed about it along with my friends as I completed the tasks they asked.  Laughter often made such situations easier, being as I wasn't planning on changing.  It didn't seem that I could.
  
    My recent realization has been that in being a doormat friend and never questioning the neglect of my friends, I have in turn created less meaningful and valued relationships.  I never voiced how I felt after being ditched or blown off or just forgotten.  As I see now, I didn't do so out of fear that my anger would "scare" my friends away.  Yet, in viewing my friendships as something to be so easily destroyed, I created weaker friendships.  The people that I have valued the most and tip-toed around the most, in hopes of keeping around longer, no longer treat me with respect.  I can't help but think that assertiveness in my friendships earlier on could have made them something that they just are not anymore.
  
    I'd like to think that this realization to the effects of being a doormat has on my friendships would inspire a new me.  Yet, there is a certain ease and lack of confrontation that comes with being a doormat friend.  Something I'm just not sure I can give up.  Only time will tell.

*As a sidenote, this post is not a personal attack on any friend or person in my life.  It is also not saying that all of my friends neglect me or walk all over me.  I have so many beautiful, wonderful friends that I greatly appreciate :) It is merely thoughts that come from a compilation of friends throughout my life. I love you all :)*

the good old "friend date"

     Lately, I have been chatting with a close friend who shall remain anonymous for no reason at all ;) about making new friends.  It's an odd time and life.  I am not in school, still at the same old job... and lacking friends and the places to meet friends (to put it nicely haha). When I was younger, I remember seeing people at this stage of their life.  I always thought it was quite odd...friends came naturally through school, sports and mutual friends.

     Yet, now here I am wondering what the best way to ask new friends or about to be friends on what may be termed a "date"....at least that's sure what it feels like.  When did it become so difficult to ask someone to coffee or lunch?  It's embarrassing really (haha).

     But now I finally understand that with age comes an increased focus and busyness in one's own life and less time for "horseplay".  Truth is.. I thoroughly enjoy a life full of random jokes, adventures and close friends.  I like knowing that I can call someone and they will be there...ready and willing to hang out.

     I feel quite pathetic as I write this.  Yet, I truly believe that this is a stage that everyone enters in life.  So if you are laughing at me right now, don't laugh too hard... in time it shall pass (fingers crossed!)  In the mean time, I shall be getting up the courage to ask random people out for a cup of coffee :) Wish me luck!

Love is in the air...as is my money.

     Ahh the time of love.....Valentine's Day.  Not really my favorite holiday... at all. Not for the lack of a romantic life.  More from the lack of funds.  Yet, I decided to splurge this year.  I took my "boy" on a day of adventures!  It was an entire day filled with random activities that were a complete surprise to him.

     The adventures and element of surprise (even though it wasn't for me) added quite a fun spark to the relationship...one that can sometimes be lost after dating for awhile.  Sometimes we (maybe just me) get so caught up in a routine.  And even though this routine may consist of things that I enjoy, such as chatting at coffee houses and eating tasty food, it's still a routine.  Breaking this routine reminds us of all the things out there that we may not be doing, but still can.

     Although, I spent more than I had wanted to...much more, it was probably the best Valentine's day ever (even though it wasn't on the actual day). It definitely made me want to do more fun stuff and much more often.  Maybe next time I will just have to make it a cheaper adventure :) haha.

Two Points for Honesty

This goes along with the previous post that I wrote.
It is the lyrics for  a Guster song that I feel especially connected to at this time in my life.
Two Points for Honesty makes me rethink what I'm doing, am I doing what I have always hoped to or am I all talk and no action.

If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time 
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind 
Two points for honesty 
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all 

I want to be where I've never been before 
I want to be there and then I'd understand 
Know I'm right and do it right, could I get to be like that 
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain 


Will I get better or stay the same 
I find I always move to slowly 
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind 


I never knew till someone told me that... 
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time 
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind 
Two points for honesty 
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all 


And all the people who've seen it all before 
And all the people who really understand 
Know they're right, and have done it right, could I get to be like that 
I'll know what I don't know, it's harder everyday 


Can't lift a finger, can't hurt a fly 
I've found I always move too slowly 
One things for certain, I'm insecure 
I never knew till someone told me that.... 


If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time 
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind 
Two points for honesty 
It must make you sad to know that nobody cares at all 
Nobody cares at all 
They never care at all

Floating

There comes a time in life...
When it feels like you have 
too many important decisions to make.


When you are always supposed to be 
considering your options.


When you are evaluating your relationships
in an attempt to decide what may last.


When you feel so alone
even if you are surrounded by friends.


When you feel helpless
crushed down by your indecisions.


When you are broke and dependent
but know you should be on your own.


It's hard not to drown in
your fears, choices, lack of accomplishments,
debt, uncertainties and loneliness.


It's the defining moment of 
if you will sink or swim.


Just waiting
for someone to throw you a life raft.


To grab on to, pull yourself up and 
continue the journey through life.


You may not know this feeling yet,
but you will some day.
Unfortunately.


Just pray you have the support and guidance
to float on.

Together We Stand as One

This is something that I wrote in high school for a religion class.  Let me preface it by saying that I have never been a very religious person, but have always found it interesting how something like religion and God can bring so many people of different backgrounds, socio-economic statuses and color together.  This union was the goal of this "speech" that I wrote for my class rather than preaching about God.... 


        Today we, the people of St. Louis, join together no matter what color we are or class we hold.  We have gathered so that I may preach to you about the everlasting love that God has for each and every one of us and the love that we shall learn to have for each other.  We come here on this bright Sunday morning not to get away from the heat but because we believe, we believe, that we can live in peace with one another.  God would not of put us on this Earth if he hadn't known that we could get along, that we were all capable of love.  
         So I tell you today that you shall love your neighbor as your brother.  It does not matter what color skin they have or how much money is in their pockets.  We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty some are dull, some have weird names and all are different colors but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
         Today is the day that we as a community shall begin a new.  Today is the day we shall put aside all our differences and stand as one! Stand as one before God and his angels so that they may look upon us with pride.  So that God may say "Alleluia! I created these people, these people who love with all their hearts"  
         We will stand as one to remind this world that we are all equal in the eyes of God.  We shall remind them that it is easier to love than to hate and it is better to be filled with joy than with sadness.  And as we stand, others will come and stand with us.  Together as one, we will reach out to those in darkness, those in pain and suffering and we will guide them to the light, to the happiness.  
          Look around at the people standing around you.  Notice the uniqueness in every one of them.  Look at them and love the person inside!  Love them because God created you to love them.  God created us all to love one another, not to live in hate.  What you are on the outside, black or white, does not matter!  Its the inner beauty that counts.  We are all the same color when you turn off the light.  And if the lights are off we aren't going to be trying to count how much money we have.  
          Yet, nobody wants to live in darkness so we need to work to not judge by color, or class, or anything that makes us feel that we are better than others.When we learn how to judge, God's light shall shine upon us.

It's About Time

This is something I wrote a little before my move back to St. Louis. It's not really complete yet, but here's the beginning:


It's about time to pack up my things
Time to step forward with my life
Time to spread my wings


Plans that I've rewrtitten
Over and over again
Will keep being revised if I don't get gettin'


Talk of the future won't get me anywhere
Getting up and going
Now that's how I'll get there


So here I go
Onto new adventures
Dogs in tow

Is it actually possible to save someone?

Over 4 years ago, I dated a guy that was very emotionally unstable.  I began the relationship in an attempt to help him become a stronger person, but in turn drained myself of my own strength.
I recently found something I wrote shortly after I ended things with him.  It reminds me of the disappoint I felt in myself and the pain I caused for him.  Here is what I wrote:
~~~~~~
Is it actually possible to save someone?
Does it always result in them hating you?
Does it always end in you giving up because it just doesn't seem possible?
Won't they always be dependent on you if you do save them or help them in the least bit?


He will always hate me.
He doesn't realize all that I tried to do for him.
He only remembers that I left.
He drained me of my happiness and it seems to all be for nothing.
I hope he is at least somewhat happier and realizes how much those around him care about him and his well being.
~~~~~~


After 4 years, he still will not speak to me and thinks that I used him.  Used him for what I am not sure.  When I left him, I was drained, weak and no longer emotionally stable.  I had to build myself back up.  If that is how I left him, I am not sure what I took from him, but I do know what he took from me.