I know I know...It's been awhile...

So its been oooh about a year since my last blog post. For that I apologize greatly! Things are always so hectic, and although I have things to say...they don't always seem important enough to blog about...Not saying my thoughts now are blog worthy, but hey i'll give it a try!

At the moment finishing up my 3rd semester in my masters program in Social Work.  Grad school and the work that comes along with it has made my life even more hectic than working 2 jobs like before.  The whole homework and working another job for free is quite a buzz kill at times.  However, I must say that this job I'm working for free is one of the best opportunities and experiences I have ever come across.

I am currently working at Midtown Catholic Charities in St. Louis City.  It is a community based organization that works to improve multiple aspects of the low-income, predominantly African American community.  I hesitated in applying to Midtown way back in December because of the word  Catholic in the title.  Although I was raised in a Catholic environment (attending both a Catholic grade school and high school), certain religious opinions and aspects of the Catholic church have ingrained a negative connotation of the Catholic church in my mind.

I know I know, this isn't quite fair...and I'm working on it.  Yet, this is definitely how I felt when beginning at Catholic Charities.  In my younger years, I have been surrounded by Catholics who believed that it was their way or the highway and pushed their beliefs and opinions on all of those around them.  At Midtown, it was the absolute opposite... and I couldn't be more proud to be a student working at this organization.

Midtown reaches out to all of those in their neighborhood, no matter their income, religion, race, or personal beliefs or biases.  They provide an open place to be heard, to be helped, and to help others.

One thing of many that I have learned is that those receiving help at Midtown want to give back to their community and to others in need.  They reach out to mothers, families, children, and anyone they see in need.  They share words of wisdom, swap recipes, and laugh together.  They volunteer at the market, march in Jeff City, have fundraisers, and tutor the children.

They also discuss the problems in their neighborhoods openly and honestly.  Not only with criticism, but with ideas for how to better their situation and their community.

Working at Midtown has been my ideal practicum job...if not job in general.  I have fell in love with the mission of the organization and with the community they serve.  My two semester practicum at Midtown ends in two weeks and I could not be more upset.  I know I will still be involved at Midtown.... but with a continually hectic lifestyle, I hope I can keep my promise to do that.

Farewell for now! :)

Life and It's No-Guarantee Policy

It’s almost that time.  The time to really start a new chapter in my life.  

Granted I have already moved out of my parent’s house, got a second job and pay all my own bills.  But starting school…. Now that’s what’s really going to get me to my life goals.  

Yet, I have a sunken feeling of uncertainty.  Am I ready for this next chapter?  What if I fail and am then just back where I started…working dead end jobs for minimum wage.  What if I get there and realize my love for social work has diminished and with it so have my goals?  What if I just never get anywhere?  

Trying to balance my finances at the moment, I realize that no matter how many hours I work a week, I am never going to be able to do everything I want.  How am I supposed to pay for rent, a new car and a trip to Boston all within the next few months?  My checks never seem to resemble the amount of work I feel I put in.  

How can I go weeks without a day off yet still be barely scrapping by?  

How am I ever supposed to be able to sit down and relax when I know I could and should be working to save up for the expensive schooling I am about to put myself through?

So many thoughts race through my head without a single thing to comfort me.  Maybe I will get through graduate school without too much stress.  Maybe I will be able to find a cheap car.  Maybe I will be able to find a great job that I love.  But there are too many maybes in the world.  I want a guarantee.  And I don’t seem to have any of those right now.  

Woops. Disappeared for awhile there.

Well hey there fellow bloggers,
I quite apologize for my long absence from this blog.  I moved out of my parent's house (FINALLY) and into my very own apartment....and by my very own I mean an apartment where I live with 2 other people, 2 dogs and hopefully coming soon, A BIRD!

Moral of the story, a month after this move we still haven't set up the internet.  In some ways this is awesome.  It's great to not "waste" as much time on the internet looking at things that I don't necessarily give a damn about.  Yet in other ways, I have seriously, seriously neglected this blog.

Perhaps with this new move and starting grad school soon I will have more to ramble about....
Or should I say more things with a purpose.

Other than the move, life is about the same.  I work 2 minimum wage jobs just about every day of the week. Drink and hang out with friends in the littlest free time I have.  And still live a decently awesome life.

But for now I must say Adieu.  There's a bottle of Reisling with my name on it and I can't neglect my wine :)

BANKS: B is for BOGUS

The beginning of banks began
no doubt
with one cunning man and the money of a trusting idiot.


I'm not quite sure how one was convinced to put his earnings into the hands of some rando promising to take good care of it.
Had it been me there at the beginning of the bank, I would have said, "No thank you.  That is a very, very silly idea." and things would be very different now-a-days.


In the current day, we find it a necessity to have a bank.  To continually write checks, swipe our cards and pay overwhelming fees to banks that are made up of our very own money.  Even as I try to rid myself of having a bank, I find it nearly impossible. 


This makes me quite upset.


If I could talk to that first idiot that entrusted his savings to a selfish and manipulative bank, I would have much to say.  His trusting nature has made our current idiotic behavior seem completely normal. 


All I can really say is, F that.

The Doormat Friend

I know my last post and multiple posts have been about friendship.  But hey, it's something quite important I'd say. So why not.

     I have come to a very startling realization in the past couple of days.  I have always known that I am often someone to be pushed around and walked on.  The doormat friend seems to be an appropriate title.  It is not something that I am proud of, but I often laughed about it along with my friends as I completed the tasks they asked.  Laughter often made such situations easier, being as I wasn't planning on changing.  It didn't seem that I could.
  
    My recent realization has been that in being a doormat friend and never questioning the neglect of my friends, I have in turn created less meaningful and valued relationships.  I never voiced how I felt after being ditched or blown off or just forgotten.  As I see now, I didn't do so out of fear that my anger would "scare" my friends away.  Yet, in viewing my friendships as something to be so easily destroyed, I created weaker friendships.  The people that I have valued the most and tip-toed around the most, in hopes of keeping around longer, no longer treat me with respect.  I can't help but think that assertiveness in my friendships earlier on could have made them something that they just are not anymore.
  
    I'd like to think that this realization to the effects of being a doormat has on my friendships would inspire a new me.  Yet, there is a certain ease and lack of confrontation that comes with being a doormat friend.  Something I'm just not sure I can give up.  Only time will tell.

*As a sidenote, this post is not a personal attack on any friend or person in my life.  It is also not saying that all of my friends neglect me or walk all over me.  I have so many beautiful, wonderful friends that I greatly appreciate :) It is merely thoughts that come from a compilation of friends throughout my life. I love you all :)*

the good old "friend date"

     Lately, I have been chatting with a close friend who shall remain anonymous for no reason at all ;) about making new friends.  It's an odd time and life.  I am not in school, still at the same old job... and lacking friends and the places to meet friends (to put it nicely haha). When I was younger, I remember seeing people at this stage of their life.  I always thought it was quite odd...friends came naturally through school, sports and mutual friends.

     Yet, now here I am wondering what the best way to ask new friends or about to be friends on what may be termed a "date"....at least that's sure what it feels like.  When did it become so difficult to ask someone to coffee or lunch?  It's embarrassing really (haha).

     But now I finally understand that with age comes an increased focus and busyness in one's own life and less time for "horseplay".  Truth is.. I thoroughly enjoy a life full of random jokes, adventures and close friends.  I like knowing that I can call someone and they will be there...ready and willing to hang out.

     I feel quite pathetic as I write this.  Yet, I truly believe that this is a stage that everyone enters in life.  So if you are laughing at me right now, don't laugh too hard... in time it shall pass (fingers crossed!)  In the mean time, I shall be getting up the courage to ask random people out for a cup of coffee :) Wish me luck!

Love is in the air...as is my money.

     Ahh the time of love.....Valentine's Day.  Not really my favorite holiday... at all. Not for the lack of a romantic life.  More from the lack of funds.  Yet, I decided to splurge this year.  I took my "boy" on a day of adventures!  It was an entire day filled with random activities that were a complete surprise to him.

     The adventures and element of surprise (even though it wasn't for me) added quite a fun spark to the relationship...one that can sometimes be lost after dating for awhile.  Sometimes we (maybe just me) get so caught up in a routine.  And even though this routine may consist of things that I enjoy, such as chatting at coffee houses and eating tasty food, it's still a routine.  Breaking this routine reminds us of all the things out there that we may not be doing, but still can.

     Although, I spent more than I had wanted to...much more, it was probably the best Valentine's day ever (even though it wasn't on the actual day). It definitely made me want to do more fun stuff and much more often.  Maybe next time I will just have to make it a cheaper adventure :) haha.